I was talking to a friend this morning that is a new happy relationship. She said to me how happy she feels and how different it is when you are with someone that cares about you, that treats you right and cares. Feeling loved and cherished. I don’t know what that means. I don’t remember it. I am a giver. I always put the other person first. His needs, his happiness. Later on I was having lunch with another friend and I told her I subscribed on a dating site. She was really pleased for me. She has been telling me for months that she hoped I would fall in love with someone else that he is only a manipulative bad person with some mental issues (she knows him). At that point I started crying. Again it wasn’t ugly crying. Were just tears, tears coming down. I couldn’t eat anymore.

I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t even want to talk with someone else. I want him back. I want to hug him and kiss him. I want to feel his hands on me. I want to smell him. I want to look in his eyes. I want to spend hours on the phone. I want to hide in broken showers. I want my normality back.

I miss him so much.

B.

I’m sitting on the floor, hidden in a baby changing room at work. I’m still in the middle of a panic attack. I tried to meditate. It helped a little. Tears keep streaming down my face. I cried so much that my cheeks are dried because of saltiness in my tears.

Guess that’s what seen a happy lovey dovey photo of him and his wife does to me. I can’t deal with that. I wish I could disappear. I want to be in the picture. I want to be the one he smiles with. I want the hugs, the kisses, the love, the fights. I wanted it all. And I can’t imagine my life without him.

I haven’t been on here because I had nothing to say. The situation has been awful. The lock down killed it all. He just kept saying how much happier he is. How much his wife does for him. He told me he never loved me. He said so many nasty things. And I still was there just to be there for him because in my heart I can’t belive this was true.

Last Wednesday after another fight about work and not talking to each other for 3 days, we were walking in the corridor. There was nobody. I just turned around and hugged him. I hugged him like with all the feeling I had in me. I haven’t touched him for 4 months. Was the first time even since I got back to work. He hugged me back. He hasn’t let go until I let go. It was home. It was were i was meant to be. I could feel his breath. I could feel his heart. We were in a grey horrible corridor and I was in the happiest place were I’ve been for the last months.

If I could disappear I would. I wanted to be his forever. I wanted to be his home. I wanted to make him feel the most loved person on heart. Instead I’m here crying on the floor.

Why Universe?

B.