Just another day

I was talking to a friend this morning that is a new happy relationship. She said to me how happy she feels and how different it is when you are with someone that cares about you, that treats you right and cares. Feeling loved and cherished. I don’t know what that means. I don’t remember it. I am a giver. I always put the other person first. His needs, his happiness. Later on I was having lunch with another friend and I told her I subscribed on a dating site. She was really pleased for me. She has been telling me for months that she hoped I would fall in love with someone else that he is only a manipulative bad person with some mental issues (she knows him). At that point I started crying. Again it wasn’t ugly crying. Were just tears, tears coming down. I couldn’t eat anymore.

I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t even want to talk with someone else. I want him back. I want to hug him and kiss him. I want to feel his hands on me. I want to smell him. I want to look in his eyes. I want to spend hours on the phone. I want to hide in broken showers. I want my normality back.

I miss him so much.

B.

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So delusional.

I’m sitting on the floor, hidden in a baby changing room at work. I’m still in the middle of a panic attack. I tried to meditate. It helped a little. Tears keep streaming down my face. I cried so much that my cheeks are dried because of saltiness in my tears.

Guess that’s what seen a happy lovey dovey photo of him and his wife does to me. I can’t deal with that. I wish I could disappear. I want to be in the picture. I want to be the one he smiles with. I want the hugs, the kisses, the love, the fights. I wanted it all. And I can’t imagine my life without him.

I haven’t been on here because I had nothing to say. The situation has been awful. The lock down killed it all. He just kept saying how much happier he is. How much his wife does for him. He told me he never loved me. He said so many nasty things. And I still was there just to be there for him because in my heart I can’t belive this was true.

Last Wednesday after another fight about work and not talking to each other for 3 days, we were walking in the corridor. There was nobody. I just turned around and hugged him. I hugged him like with all the feeling I had in me. I haven’t touched him for 4 months. Was the first time even since I got back to work. He hugged me back. He hasn’t let go until I let go. It was home. It was were i was meant to be. I could feel his breath. I could feel his heart. We were in a grey horrible corridor and I was in the happiest place were I’ve been for the last months.

If I could disappear I would. I wanted to be his forever. I wanted to be his home. I wanted to make him feel the most loved person on heart. Instead I’m here crying on the floor.

Why Universe?

B.

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Day 20

Happy Easter everyone!

My day started incredibly well with my housemate’s mom playing Easter Bunny and dropping a chocolate egg for me as well!

I’m not in my country. I don’t have many friends here. That to me was a beautiful sweet gesture. I am incredibly grateful for it.

I don’t know how I feel. There are good days and bad days. The day after his message and phone call I couldn’t physically move from my bed. I was in a proper state. I cried so much that I could barely keep my eyes open. Then I accepted the fact that he will come back.

I told him I was leaving him his space. I decided with myself I would have not made any contact until Tuesday.

On Friday he sent me a game. I didn’t reply. Yesterday I received a movie. No answer. I can afford to buy my own movie. He said a lot that I’m not his responsability. So what’s the point on sending a movie? On trying to have a contact?

He pretty much told me I was a stalker that he doesn’t want to talk to. That I’ve been the only one making efforts for this relationship to keep going. That he doesn’t miss me or think of me. He abandoned me while the world is falling apart knowing that he was the only normality I needed to keep going.

He’ll come back and I’ll have my list of rules. He’ll come back because he always does and because I want him to. And the Universe is on my side.

B.

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Day 16

Guess I’ll have to change the title to “An Ex Maîtresse in Quarantine”. He dumped me again today. It’s the 5th time in ten months. Every time I think that’s it and then he comes back.

I’m hurting. Every time is like getting stabbed. He hurts me with words and then he comes back and I accept him because I am a fucking idiot.

“I do not want to talk to you because I don’t feel like it. I happy with my family, an you are not fitting in picture. 
You are not my responsability. They are a lot of people you can talk to, who care about you. 
I understand this is not the same, but is not my problem.”

It’s easier to do it now. It’s easy to not have to look me in the eyes or face me the following day in the office. It’s easier knowing I would never show up to his door and make a scene. Eventually I got him to call me.

“You are not my girlfriend, you were just a fase in my life. I didn’t do anything in the last months to make this thing going, it was all you.”- Oh, didn’t realised I made you fall into my vagina two and a half weeks ago, or I put a gun to your head to have a coffee at mine or to spend hours on the phone.

I asked if he loves me and he said he doesn’t know.

I asked if things with his wife went back to good in the last two weeks and he said no. That they have to work together to get there. I’ve been listening to that for the last 8 months. 2 weeks in quarantine and not a moment to discuss that? But that is the person he decided to spend the rest of his life with.

I told him I’m not taking it. I’ve been through this fucking circle enough times. Up and down. Hot and cold. I call you cause I want to call you. Leave me alone I don’t want to deal with you.

I told him I love him. I told him I’ll leave him the space. I told him I’m not giving up on him. That I want him in my future.

It’s going to be tough. I’m not sure how long is it going to take but he’ll come back. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be. If not I’ll be damaged forever.

B.

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Day 15

He still hasn’t called.

I feel drained. I miss my normality. I want to hear his voice. I want to see his funny face. I haven’t had any physical contact since I last saw him. I spent full days in bed without feeling the strength of standing up or doing anything productive. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my dog. I miss my work. I never felt so alone in my life.

I just want to wake up like it’s another Wednesday tomorrow. I show up in his office with an excuse so I can say hello.

I want to bite his lips. I want to cry in his arms because he should never ever leave me like this again.

But nothing like that is going to happen because he is too happy right now even to pick up the phone and make sure I am OK.

Why is it so difficult to fall out of love?

B.

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Day 14

Like in every other affair, we also have our up and downs. The up usually last 2 weeks so guess what happened today?

Yes, he made me feel like shit.

“My life was fine before. You weren’t the solution to my happiness.”

Why do I let someone treat me like that? Why do I keep fight to make this work? Why do I care so much about how does he feel? Why do I just want to be there and support him no matter what?

If any of you has the answer please feel free to write it in the comments. One of my friend always tells me “Because you are a fucking idiot.”

I have all this pictures in my head of his happy family. Him cooking. Sitting on the couch watching a movie. Waking up together. Playing with the kids outside. I want that normality. I want him to be my normality.

How can you start something on a lie? People change. I believe that if his relationship with his wife was sexually healthy there would have not been a door opened for me. Sex is important. No matter what. A relationship with no sex is brotherhood. Yes, sure plenty of love but that’s not enough..

I miss him so much. I just want him to hug me and tell me it all will be alright.

B.

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Day 12

Officially we actually haven’t seen each other in 11 days. After me begging for it he passed by on his way home from work on his last day.

I didn’t cry, well not at least when he was there. I just got a hug and the usual “I’m married. There is no future.” Sometimes I wonder if he needs to remind me or himself.

I was talking with my housemate a couple of weeks ago and she told me “Excluding you, I know 6 people that have been or are in your kind of relationship but each one of them gets something out of it. Someone gets presents, someone gets amazing sex, someone gets love. What do you get?”

I DON’T KNOW.

The chemistry between us is amazing but sex every two months is not enough. Not fucking enough. I’m the kind of person that wants sex 3 times a day at least. This is agony.

Does he love me? I belive so.

I’m not a material person. Present are overrated. I like moments. I like memories.

But today I haven’t spoken to him and he hasn’t messaged. I feel so shit and I miss him so much. Why does it have to be so hard?

B.

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About Me

Well, let’s face it. I can’t say much about myself. I have to be discreet. I can tell you that I love dogs, I read a few horoscopes a day to pick the one I like better and that the first thing I look in a man are his teeth. I don’t have a type. Well apart from the fact that he has to be difficult. They always have been, apart from the only real official relationship I had. And even that one didn’t end well.

He always tell me that I’m delusional.

About Him

He is just not the kind that you’ll expect cheats on his wife. He never done it before and I believe that. He is charming, charismatic and so controlling. The kind that will just stare into your eyes without saying a word but telling you everything. He’ll never leave his wife even if I really hope that will happen. I don’t want to steal him from his family, I would be more than happy to move in a house a few steps away so that his kids could come anytime. See? He is right when he calls me delusional but I believe that things happen for a reason and that the Universe is on my side.

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